From even before the industrial era, marketing and advertising existed. Old fashioned PR may look ridiculous to us from our 21st century eyes, but it was truly effective in convincing vulnerable and ill informed people to become customers. Hucksters selling “snake oil” during a pandemic of influenza made a pretty penny. Traveling salesmen preyed on customer’s fears and insecurities.
One ad reads “Throw away drugs!” and “Joy To Invalids!”. Another shows “Doctor Dye’s Voltaic Belt” guaranteed to electrify the abdominal fat from men’s waistlines.
Years pass, we arrive in post WWII to the ad’s geared towards the modern homemaker: electric appliances, frozen meals, and cigarettes.
Decades pass, and in come the studies, then the regulations. Cigarette ads are banned from television. There are also stringent restrictions on making claims about medications and natural remedies.
Not only that, but as a parent myself, I have tried very hard to teach my children to not “fall for advertising”. In fact, it would be seen as parental neglect to teach children to believe everything they see on TV, or in a social media feed. The most strict controls around advertising attempt to protect the vulnerable and the young from being duped, or worse, outright harmed.
Today’s advertising is an evolutionary marvel, especially with the proliferation of social media. I can count myself as one who has no interest in the Superbowl, but loves the commercial breaks (oh, and the food and beer). High end advertising has hit a pinnacle in our era; where commercials and online magazine layouts resemble modern or performance art more than their former advertising forebears.
Social media has allowed everyone and anyone to become a LIVING advertisement: a one person PR train, coming to a station near you. Some are merely advertising their egos “look at how well I run my well appointed family and home”. Others have a hobby, a passion, or perhaps even a cause. I have been known to get lost in the Instagram feeds of vegan foodies, people living in tiny houses, DIY crafters, and lacto-fermentation enthusiasts.
Some take this to the next level, using their identities, and their families, as the spring board for selling wares. We find this most notably in the world of mlm’s. Essential oils, shakes, wraps, vitamin patches, containers, hair products, skin care, and “leggings just like butter” are all centered prominently among pictures of children, pets, spouses, and beautifully appointed homes. “I want that…I want to be like that….maybe if I sign up I will get what SHE HAS….”
Watch a “health coach” from a mlm company jump through hoops to insist that their shake cures a thousand diseases without actually saying it. They insinuate it through testimonials and slick Instagram photos…caring only as long as you want to jump into their downline. But like most other things, the real thing VERY RARELY LIVES UP TO THE ADVERTISING. Thousands have been scammed and harmed by slick campaigns that promise to be the answer to all of life’s struggles. (don’t believe me? Check out “Sounds Like MLM But Okay” podcast and facebook group)
So, why am I talking about this on a platform about adoption and adoptees? Well…if we are taught to be cautious about advertising in all of its forms, if we are taught to always remember that the real deal is NEVER the same as the PR, if we as a society create regulations and ethical guidelines aimed at protecting the vulnerable from being scammed and harmed, why do we allow Hopeful Adoptive Parents to create advertising portfolios that have only ONE PURPOSE: to convince a vulnerable expectant mother to relinquish her baby to them? Why do we allow Hopeful Adoptive Parents to create public fundraising campaigns utilizing the same marketing gimmicks to help them acheive that ultimate goal: the convincing of a mother that her child would be better off with them than with her.
I am cautious to not speak out my lane here, as I have never relinquished a child. However, as the one relinquished (and NOT in an era of slick adoption advertising), the thought of my adoptive parents convincing my birthmother DIRECTLY to hand me over… by way of manipulative and disingenuous professional photo shoots bearing letterboards with quips such as “searching for our missing piece”, “dear birthmother”, and “growing in our hearts”…and then to HAVE MY BIRTHMOTHER BELIEVE IT….makes my heart shatter into a thousand pieces.
How dirty is this exchange: those with the most ability and money creating what is essentially a public image scrubbed of its reality, and steeped in fantasy. I have yet to see a HAP profile with pictures of the dirty dishes (until now likely….yes, I know the industry and more savvy HAPs watch us and take notes), a recording of a fight when a spouse threatened to leave, or secret racist Uncle Billy with his confederate flag in his backyard. Where are these pictures?
No, instead, pictured are gross over exaggerations of what is likely real, if not outright lies. But, how will you compete with the 40 other couples that are gunning for the baby that God wills for YOU if you don’t fudge it a little? This is a race to the finish, and to get the prize, you must have the best and most prolific Adoption Journey social media account to woo “birthmother” into your (I mean God’s) Divine Plan.
I want to make a clear statement that I do not believe that this kind of advertising, profile building, and prebirth matching should be happening. Ever. At all. It needs to end. And it needs to be seen societally for WHAT IT IS. It is just another trend in advertising directed at the gullible and the vulnerable, no different than the snake oil of the 19th century. This time, not for the money of the vulnerable, but for the infant of the vulnerable. A living, breathing, real life human; whose worth cannot be measured in dollars, and should never be campaigned for as if we are just goods to be transferred.
Adoptees are HUMANS, who don’t “graduate” from their adoptions. We live it our entire lives. Don’t let our life’s trajectory start in PR and advertising. It is dehumanizing. It is dismissive. And ultimately, it is destructive.
So, Hopeful Adoptive Parents: this isn’t a good look for you. And we (here at MMM and many other adoptees) are on a PR campaign of our own to make it so that the rest of society sees that it isn’t a good look as well…so that you will no longer be able to engage in this disgusting and unethical practice that puts mothers and natural families on adoptive parents’ downlines. The way adoption is practiced in the United States today is essentially a scamming mlm: where only those at the top actually get anything out of it.
Adoption: Beyond Myths, Misgivings, and Mayhem 